


always.

by snjeguljica33



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: First Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-24 20:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22164187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snjeguljica33/pseuds/snjeguljica33
Summary: I wanted to know something about Sander's thoughts.... so maybe...(sorry for my english, no beta)
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61
Collections: Skam Belgium (Wtfock) ▶ Sander Driesen / Robbe Ijzermans





	1. Chapter 1

He recently turned eighteen, but nothing has really changed. Why did he think it would? His life has been drawn a long time ago, and it's quite winding, isn't it?

He had always been a restless spirit, perhaps because of the disorder he had, and perhaps despite that. On those days when he was "good" at least in the opinion of "normal" people, he sought to get all of which has otherwise been deprived.

He no longer struggled with the thought that he would always be different. The illness also brought him so much good. He was an artist, he was humorous ... he was a lot of things, and although he would change all this only for his "dark" side to disappear… even though he knew it was impossible.  
So he has no choice but to come to terms with it. 

And he really thought so, until one strange evening in that warehouse, he looked into the dark eyes of an unknown boy. And he knew ... he was the one. The only thing he did not know was that the boy would turn his life upside down in ways he couldn't even imagine.

Britt persuaded him for a short trip one weekend and he saw him again. They were alone in that simple kitchen that had nothing, and Sander couldn't resist joke with him. But the next moment they walked to the store, he knew he was lost forever. The boy looked at him with those big dark eyes and absorbed every word.  
He felt something is flowing between them, until Britt appeared and destroyed the spell. He felt sorrow in Robbe's eyes when he saw their kiss, but Sander couldn't take the risk. Not yet. Their time has not yet come. But he hoped it would come, because otherwise his life would never make sense again.

He had been thinking for days how to call him. David Bowie ... that's it. Play list and short call. Robbe's beautiful smile lit up the entire screen. A few exchanged words and smiles interrupted by his girlfriend again. What was he thinking? Robbe's smile disappeared in an instant, and the shadow of betrayal he saw that morning on the outing reappeared. Shit. Robbe is the last person in the world he wanted to hurt, and he has already managed twice. Everything he touches destroys, he has always known.

He sits in a cafe and doesn't know how to comfort him after Britt and Noor have run out into the night. They are totally irrelevant to him, he just doesn't know what to do to keep Robbe's eyes from being so sad. And then he suggests they go outside and when Robbe agrees, his heart jumps. He'll spend time finally with someone he cares about. Maybe Robbe doesn't feel the same, it doesn't even matter, he'll try his best to have a good time. If he knew anything, make sense of any craziness, and if he found a person to follow him, that would be it.

When Robbe winked at him, Sander looked away. The feeling is almost unbearable. He liked the boy more and more, with each new encounter. So much tenderness and strength in such a small body. He didn't know him enough, but he saw in his eyes that he had been through a lot. If anyone knew anything about it, he knew. He couldn't determine what that might be, but Robbe had a pure soul and a big heart. He knew so much.

Tunnel biking and stunning views of the pool were a great sign that Sander had succeeded. But after all a kiss that couldn't compare to anything so far. It's not as if Sander had many years of experience and a hundred-year-old, but when he touched the other boy's lips, opened up a whole new world before his eyes. Maybe, just maybe there is hope for him ...


	2. Chapter 2

… And all of a sudden it was as if someone had closed the door to this wonderful new colorful world when he was hit by the cold shower of the even colder Robbe's words… “dirty fagot”…  
After the most beautiful night of his life, he had never hoped for this in a million years.  
What did he do wrong?  
What happened to that gentle, quiet Robbe?  
Who really was this cruel boy?

Flips through his mind over and over again, every moment they spent together. Why would Robbe betray him like this?

Something like this would usually cause him deep depression, but not this time. Robbe's words hurt a lot, but less than the facial expression and the eyes that, from so happy last night, became two immense abysses of sadness.  
Robbe was unable to hate no matter what he told him. His eyes became even sadder, almost unbearable, and Sander couldn't see why. Worst of all, he was not allowed to comfort him.

He returned to what kept him somewhat above the water. Again and again he drew that beautiful face and every time some happy eyes. Robbe deserved to be happy, and he clearly couldn't give it to him.  
Maybe it's better this way ...

Britt knew something was going on, it wasn't the first time, but Sander didn't care.  
Oh, how easy it is to be selfish when you love someone. Just ... what if that guy doesn't love you? Still, he couldn't be angry with Robbe. Whenever he closed his eyes, saw him so clearly, and not just there, also anywhere and everywhere in his sketches.

He wandered home or atelier for days thinking of Robbe's words. Maybe the boy somehow understood who he really was. Maybe that's why he gave up on him before it all began. Although Robbe is so young, he could see in his eyes some ancient breathtaking wisdom.

And just as he was able to calm his agitated feelings, on leaving the classroom, he seemed to hear Robbe calling to him. Just as their eyes meet in the school hallway, Sander, like a boomerang, is struck by the pain he felt about Robbe's words. He can't help it the second time Robbe approaches him. It takes him a few minutes to catch his breath.   
He simply turned and left.

But it's Robbe. Not some one night stand, random girl or boy. Robbe was different from the first moment. Sander knows he can't leave. He turned and tried to reach him, knows exactly where to find him.

Robbe angrily tries to unlock the bike, unsuccessfully, and Sander already knows he has forgiven him all.

He hardly even listens to what Robbe is talking about. His voice was gentle and full of hope. The same ones Sander feels.  
As their lips reconnect, Sander is overwhelmed with peace.  
Yes, he is the one. Does not worry him more nor Britt call, nor the quick goodbye.   
Now knows he will always come back to Robbe.


	3. Chapter 3

Sander got to know the ups and downs. He knew what sadness was, the pain, the hope ... but by now he obviously didn't know what happiness was.   
Robbe's lips were so warm and gentle. They moved with his, right there in the intimacy of Robbe's room.  
Sander felt his heart beating at almost the same pace as the younger boy's heart. Everything was as it should have been, finally. He let this wave of immense pleasure carry him for a moment as he held Robbe in his arms. He's his. Finally.

Robbe's eyes were so happy and Sander decided to make up for what was there, not just between them. He wanted to make up for the lack of his mother, father, and family customs ...   
He still didn't know much about him, but he connected the dots from what Robbe sometimes told about himself. Sander wanted to be his peace port, just as Robbe was for him. And in that little warm room, they had just about everything.

By the time he reminisced briefly about the fears he had always carried, but it only took a moment and Robbe's hands and lips managed to calm him down.

When he takes him out on the first real date, they are both happy and having a great time, almost forgetting about the world around them, until some evil people collapse on them and Sander realizes how incapable of protecting Robbe. And he already knows he'll have to let him go, no matter how bad it will be, but not before he tells him one thing.

"I love you" speaks with pain as he stares at Robbe's face contorted with hate. It doesn't matter what it will be from now on. He wanted Robbe to know. And he hoped he would remember forever. He hadn't told him so many things, now it didn't even matter. He finally really loved someone, and would say it a thousand times, he just knows it doesn't make sense. They will have to release him for his safety.

But he couldn't let go. It wasn't as easy as he thought. Britt return. She acted as if nothing had changed. And when she saw the mural, and there was no chance she didn't, because it was circling all over the school, she kept coming, even though Sander hardly noticed her.  
Only at the party he agreed to go to just forget, Sander kissed her and immediately regretted it. It wasn't those lips he wanted. They didn't taste right, not like Robbe's. And it didn't mean anything to him, which made him worse, for Britt, who was still there for him after all, but didn't want her anymore. That was the cruel truth. The only person he wanted didn't want him anymore, and he couldn't blame him.

The internal struggles he had with him by now should have made him something he needed to get used to, but he was not familiar with this new one that's been created since he missed Robbe.  
He wrote hundreds of messages to him and never sent them.  
He drew a hundred pictures that Robbe would never see.  
He looked at his phone number for hours and never called.

And then ... just like that, Robbe's message arrived. And none of that mattered anymore. Robbe asked for only one thing, and Sander was more than willing to give. All of yourself. Immediately.

It was difficult to reappear at the door where Robbe had once told him cruel words, but Sander understood. He was just a scared boy, just like him.   
And… when he calls his name and Robbe looks at him, Sander knows they'll never be lonely again. They found each other.


	4. Chapter 4

He was finally breathing full lungs. Every day when he woke up, Robbe was there somewhere waiting for him.   
There was so much he wanted to do for him, so much to show him, so much ... that sometimes it hurt.  
He had never felt this way. At times, he feared his heart would leap out of his chest, especially near him.  
The feeling of happiness was so different from the mania. Everything was real and tangible. Especially Robbe's touches and kisses.

He almost forgot about his problems because all he thought about day and night was Robbe. Those dark eyes, the shy smile, the lips of the taste of spring ...   
How could he have lived without it so far?

He wanted to give Robbe what he missed most. Families. Create some new customs and rituals that Robbie has never had before. And although the people he lived with were dear and understanding, he and Robbe shared something completely different. Sander realizes something else too, he finally knows what love is. 

He is organizing an eve of St. Nicholas' Day that Robbe hopes will be remembered forever. They are finally alone.   
Dinner, drink, joint, shower, sex… everything is incredible.   
Robbe's body as if it were created for his. Perfect match. And when everything is just as it should be ... suddenly dark ...

He wakes up alone in the hospital ... before he can understand what happened, he feels hot tears dripping down his cheeks. Noooooo .... Robbe will surely remember this night, but not the way he envisioned it.

He never knew the exact trigger that triggers manic episodes ... it was just a bad time. One of many he has already gone through. Only, this time he was with someone who didn't know what was going on. Why didn't he just tell him? Robbe must be scared to death.

There is no us… it rings in his head, again and again… oh, how he knew it would happen. Robbe thinks he's some lunatic. Is it possible that he did not realize that it was a single fall, but how he could. Robbe didn't know what his illness meant.   
His tears were flowing again and he simply agreed with him… there is no us, we have never been, never will…

He tried not to think of Robbe's eyes after the message he had sent him. But all around him were drawings of the only face he wanted to engrave in his memory. He drew it over and over. In the midst of all this darkness and grayness, he only hoped that Robbe remembered at least those good things.  
And as the last act of final parting, a message about a place that will always carry in his minds as theirs… Chernobyl…

Not sure how much time is here when Robbe suddenly shows up. And though he tries to push him away and explain to him that there is no hope for them, Robbe does not give up…   
I will always be here… Robbe repeats and the words pierce to his ice-chained heart…

The tears finally wash out the last doubt… Robbe was the one, he knew that from the first moment in that half-dark warehouse…


End file.
